Severe About Safety, ‘Warp Flee’ Vax Trials to Be a part of 7.8 Billion Other folks (Satire)

Disclaimer: This put up is from GomerBlog, a satirical pickle about healthcare.

Leaders of “Operation Warp Flee” (OWS), the government program tasked with organising a COVID-19 vaccine, divulge that despite the title, their high precedence is security, now no longer tempo. As proof, they announced at the moment that the phase I trials will enroll 7.8 billion participants.

“This could perchance perhaps be one of the best scientific hit upon ever,” boasted OWS Chief Advisor Moncef Slaoui, PhD, “which obviously potential it could perhaps be the safest.”

With so many participants, researchers request to notify every that you would possibly want to perchance perhaps perchance consider opposed attain of each and every vaccine candidate. “If any of these ability vaccines are universally lethal, we’ll soon are conscious of it, and we are going to invent distinct that that one never makes it to market,” mentioned Slaoui, as he plunged the major dose of an experimental vaccine true into a screaming dinky one.

Indubitably, the scale of the hit upon is now no longer this system’s perfect characteristic clearly designed for security, now no longer tempo. With lines extending for hundreds of miles, they are preserving things get by reusing the same needle on all people. “There are thousands and thousands of folks on line to get a shot,” mentioned OWS Chief Working Officer Gustave Perna. “Accept as true with what number of needle stick accidents our workers would suffer if they’d to swap needles after every injection!”

In accordance to Perna, they’ll additionally be injecting the doses intravenously. “Again right here is for security causes. Too many folks whinge of sore muscle tissues with the IM photos. That’s a grief we’re factual now no longer bright to guage.”

“Certain, we’d enjoy to realize this rapid, too,” Slaoui remarked, “nevertheless if folks map shut we wander powerful slower, we’d be better than happy to trade our title to ‘Operation Sluggish As Molasses,’ though I judge that title’s already been taken by the HIV vaccine folks.”

Anti-vaccination groups, most doubtless surprisingly, are in beefy toughen of this program. “Within the ruin we now enjoy a hit upon that is taking security seriously,” in line with one Fb put up. “It’s factual perfect that they’re checking out every population and every demographic neighborhood to invent distinct that that security — that is all we ever wished.”

Nonetheless in a secret recording of an OWS meeting, leaked to GomerBlog, Slaoui could perchance just enjoy let the truth crawl out. “Indubitably we’re perfect about tempo! We get now no longer even enjoy a regulate neighborhood. And it’s called ‘Operation Warp Flee’ because by the point the hit upon ends and the FDA approves one in every of these vaccines, all people could perchance enjoy already bought it!”

Last As much as this point August 26, 2020